Tiny Happy Moments in Darkness
by larsa7
Summary: Kobayashi's mom loves him. His father wishes he wasn't born. The child searches for happy moments from different places. He learns that life's not fair but one can still survive.


**A/N:** This was originally published as divided in different chapters in 2017. I removed this and made it longer, fusing the chapters in the process. This story was supposed to be the start of my trilogy but I've completely lost all the will to make that. So, I'm going to put this one out because the tale is actually not that bad on its own.

Kobayashi's past was the saddest thing in the anime for me but it felt too short. I wrote about things that could have happened in his life before ending up in that building at the beginning of Trickster. Kobayashi is supposed to be 4 to 6 years old in the story.

 **Warnings:** child abuse, blood, death

* * *

I was sitting next to mama's bed. She was laying down with many tubes going down into her arms. She had dark hair while my hair was white. Her raspy breathing was the only noise in the silent room. I was trying to be quiet. Dad wouldn't be too happy otherwise. He would...

"Yoshio," mom croaked. I turned my head and saw her trying to reach for me. I stood up and went to her. She held me close. She felt so good and safe. Her smell made me hope I could stay there forever.

"Listen to me, Yoshio. Mama doesn't have too much time left." I whimpered and just tried to push myself closer to her. She would always be here. She had to stay with me. I was too small to be alone.

"Your dad is going to be the only one left. He's going to take care of you." I almost started to cry when hearing that. Dad hated me. He blamed me for mama's sickness.

"Don't go, mama. Just don't go!" I screamed and hoped dad would just _disappear._ Mama's illness should also go away. Then everything would be fine. Mom petted me gently and slowly. She felt different than before, not so plump anymore.

"What's happening here?!" I heard him shouting. My dad almost ran to where mama was laying. I could barely evade him in time.

"Calm down, everything's fine," mother told him weakly. I trembled in horror; I almost KNEW what was going to happen. Dad's eyes flashed behind his glasses when he looked at me, full of hate.

* * *

"HOW COULD YOU MESS AROUND WITH HER AGAIN?! HAVEN'T YOU CAUSED ENOUGH PROBLEMS?!" dad roared while tearing me by my hair. We were in my room. He didn't even care mama would hear that racket. I tried to get my feet on the floor but it was impossible; I was too high and it _really hurt_. Dad threw me against the wall. The odd wind came to protect me and I fell down pretty gently. I felt tired, trying to get air into my lungs. Dad gasped and looked at me like I was scary.

"You demon!" he snarled and kicked me in ribs. I cried out and tried not to shed tears, failing. I hated him. I hated dad so much. Why didn't I have a nice father?

He grabbed me by my shirt and lifted me up. I tried to remember how he had been before. Before he became a monster.

"Let me go!" I yelled and kicked in the air, hoping to hit his face.

Dad didn't like my shouting; he dropped me down and stomped on my chest. I tried to breathe but it was hard. I'd hurt my back and it sent pain all over my body.

"I could crush you little brat and nobody would care." I felt like something snapped within me. I couldn't stop my fury.

"Mama would care! She thinks I'm a good boy! You... you could just _go away!_ " At that moment, something like the white wind from before hit dad and forced his foot away. He looked surprised.

"If only you weren't my son!" my dad bellowed and punched me in the chest. I felt like it was impossible to breathe and that seemed to be good enough for dad. He left, glaring at me like I was the worst thing in the world. I cried and panted; my breath was wheezing.

After a while, I could get on my knees. My ribs hurt, my knees hurt, breathing hurt, living hurt.

I stood up and limped to the window. It had been worse than normally today. _Why was he so angry?_ I let out a small groan and looked at the Ferris wheel outside. It was so big. I remembered times when things were still fine. Mama, papa and me went to the amusement park. We had a lot of fun. We rode the Ferris wheel and the carousel. The horses were great, going round and round. The Ferris wheel was the best, though. It let us see our big house like it was a small thing and other stuff looked amazing from up there, too.

"Please be nice again, dad," I whispered and felt a tear falling down my cheek. I put my hand in my mouth and tried not to make any noise. I did not want to make him mad again. I cried as silently as I ever could. It had taken me some time to learn to do that. Father rarely heard my sniffling these days.

* * *

"Yoshio." Mama held her hand out for me. Dad had some stuff to do outside so I could be near her, for once. I went closer and rested my head against her arm. I was careful not to hurt mama; she didn't need more pain.

"How have you been?"

I didn't know what I could say. I didn't want to say anything bad about dad; mama cared about him. I was supposed to care about him, too.

"Fine," I told her.

She sighed and caressed my head. I felt like falling asleep and fought against it. If dad found me sleeping beside her, he'd get mad, like always.

"I... I want to... get a friend." How could I find one? I was normally at home. If I went outside, I never wanted to stay there for a long time. Dad was kind to mama but he could be so crazy, too. Who would protect my mother if I didn't? I was a big boy, I had to help mama out.

"If only I could help you, dear... I know! How about you ask someone your age to be your friend? I don't know if you can find them, though... I wish I could come with you." I thought about that. When I had been smaller, mama had been outside with me sometimes. I had always stayed next to her, holding the hem of her dress and being afraid of other kids. _I'm older now. We can play together._

"I will. No worries, I'll search for them. Thanks, mama," I said to her, touched her cheek with mine and left the room to find a friend.

* * *

I stepped outside. I did not want to go far in case mama needed my help. Friends or not, she was the dearest person in my life. She was my world. Her touch was the only thing that could make me want to sleep after another sad and lonely day. I only bothered waking up each morning because of her. I had to, however, get out of home sometimes. It was hard to breathe there. _Maybe it's normal to feel bad at home. Perhaps other kids are scared, too. Maybe their parents hurt them and are sick. I... don't want to be the only one... whose life is like this._

"Mommy, daddy, look at me!" a little girl shouted. She looked like she might have been the same age as me. The girl was trying to balance on the octopus slide on one foot. Her parents looked very happy and proud. They were smiling and her father waved his hand at the girl.

"I'll catch you if something happens, don't worry!" I felt very sad when hearing him shouting those words. I didn't remember my dad ever saying anything kind to me. I tried to remember his face in the theme park but I couldn't. I really wanted to see my father's glad face. I wished to... be like him after growing up. Well, I didn't want to hurt anyone, though.

I trod on a little bit and noticed a tiny doggy across the street. It was very cute with big ears and long hair. I remembered mama calling dogs like that "butterfly dogs". I liked cats more than dogs but all the animals were interesting. I walked towards the dog, shivering in anticipation of meeting a new friend.

"Hi," I said quietly when getting closer. I crouched down and reached out to the doggy. It looked at me, its eyes sparkling. Its tail was waggling. It released one bark and jumped right at me!

"Aah!" I shouted and fell under the fluffball. It was not biting but it barked in such a loud noise. I felt scared and tried to get it off me.

"Go away! Please, let me go!" I screamed and the doggy finally gave up; jumping off me and running away, still yipping. I breathed heavily and felt tears stinging in my eyes. Why did all the things hate me? Dad was loud. Dogs were loud. I should watch out for dogs. I sniffled and felt lonely. Then, I heard some worried shouting.

"What do we do?!"

"Don't ask me!"

"It's in trouble!"

"I see that!"

There were three children in the back yard of a tall house. They were looking at a tree mouths opened. I swallowed and tried to calm down. I stepped closer, trembling a little.

"Hey, you! See that up in the tree?" one of the kids asked as she noticed me approaching them. I blinked and glanced at the tree. There was a tiny kitten. It was meowing and its tail was moving in short twitches.

"It cannot come down. It's too high up," one of the boys told me, squinting his eyes as he tried to see the animal better. I didn't know what to say so I stayed quiet.

"Please, help it!" the girl suddenly shouted and clasped my hand. I yanked it free and pulled my arms around me.

"Don't touch me!" I had tried to hurt dad; what if I hurt her? She looked hurt and pursed her lips.

"You're a stupid boy!" I didn't understand her. _Are all girls this odd?_ The one boy who hadn't spoken yet looked at me straight in the eye.

"Be a man." His face was really serious. I shuddered when I understood he thought I was something big and cool. _Wow. I want to be a cool guy like him._ I didn't know how to climb a tree, though. I had never done that.

"How do you climb it?" I asked in a weak voice. I was nervous because I had never talked to so many other children before. The serious boy showed me. He grabbed on a branch and used his legs to push himself to sit on it. Then he jumped down. I stared at him; he was so brave!

"Now you do it." I gulped and tried to do the same. I failed. It took a long time to even climb on the first branch and there were like two more to go before the kitten! The kitty looked scared and lonely. _I want to help it._ I struggled a lot and finally reached the cat.

"Sshh, it's okay. Let's go down," I cooed and tried to calm the kitten down. It was hissing and puffing its back fur. The situation looked bad and I wondered what to do. I decided to sing to it. I almost never sang anything but the cat needed help.

 _"You're nice_  
 _You're kind_  
 _You're the best kitty_  
 _Come here_  
 _Let's take you home_  
 _Trust me_  
 _I'll love you"_

I didn't know too many songs. I'd only heard some from the TV. That had been a long time ago when I could still watch children shows. My father prevented me from watching them after mama got worse. He just changed.

"What's he doing?" the girl wondered.

"He sings to it. Bet he's gonna fall down fast."

"Nah, he gets it down."

I noticed the kitten had stopped looking scared and angry. It was sniffing my fingers and purring. I smiled.

"Let's get you down. Stay in my hood," I told the cat as I put it in my hood. Luckily, it seemed to understand and didn't move until we were on the ground. There, it glanced at us and ran off. I hoped it'd find its way home. Home was important.

"You're great!" the girl shouted and patted my back. I blushed a little as the boys were smiling and nodding their heads, too. I felt accepted.

"Can we be... friends?" I asked in a small voice, scared of the answer.

All of them shouted, "YES!" I sighed and hoped this would last.

"Let's play tag!" the girl suggested. We others agreed.

"Yoshio!" I was slapped on the back and I had to catch others. Well, it was more that I _tried_ to touch them while they pranced near me, being all smiles. I was happy my wind stayed away. Maybe running around was just so funny that nothing bad happened. Others caught me easily all the time. I didn't mind that; having pals was the best thing.

"Let's go to my home next," the cool guy told us. We went there, it wasn't far. I felt unsure about leaving mama for so long. Others didn't notice my worries so I tried to be a happy boy.

"We should draw some pictures!" said the boy who hadn't believed in me or kitty.

I wanted to draw something scary. I drew people. People didn't have faces and their body parts were messy balls of blackness. I chose to colour them red. There had to be a lot of red colour. I knew life had much blood. Other children looked scared and surprised.

"Yoshio, are you sure that's alright?"

"It is," I answered her and looked at somewhere. I couldn't really see what there was. The voices of the other kids sounded muffled. I didn't know what that feeling was.

"Blood's a good thing."

"Huh?" I sounded, turning my head towards the smartest kid. I'd actually heard that.

"It keeps people and animals alive. It's better to live than die."

I didn't know what to make of that; in my life, blood had always showed me things were going wrong. My mother coughed up blood. There was too much of it. Once, she had dropped the glass because of a coughing fit. There had been blood splatters on her clothes. My dad had shoved me against the wall as he had hurried to her. I had hated my father then; he was only worried about mama, not me. I was always being treated unfairly.

* * *

After returning from playing with my friends, I needed food. I opened the fridge, only to see it was empty. I noticed some shiny cans with yellowish liquid spilling out of them. They smelled bad. Dad drank those and became angrier after that. I wrinkled my nose and shut the fridge door. I wondered if I could go and ask some leftovers again from neighbours. They usually gave me some and looked like they were pitying me. _There's no need to feel bad for me. My life's fine._

"Mama?" I whispered when I walked next to her bed. I hoped she wasn't sleeping; I did not want to make her more tired than she already was. _She's sleeping too much._ Luckily, she opened her eyes and looked at me lovingly.

"What is it, sweetheart?" I pushed my head against her palm and let her fondle me for a while. Sadly, my stomach growled and it almost hurt. One of our moments together was going to be cut short once again.

"Can I go ask for food?" I asked. I had to hear mama telling it was fine. Otherwise, it felt too scary to go talk neighbours about getting something to eat. Father saw me once and he beat me for a very long time after that. He had been shouting about some strange "appearances" and "honour" which I didn't understand at all. Mama looked at somewhere far away. Her gaze was distant and I waited patiently. She had those times, times when she wasn't really there. _Just like me._ Finally, she answered, her voice somewhat weak.

"Of course you can, dear. Just come back soon." I smiled a little and left the room. Soon I'd have a fuller belly.

* * *

I came back home with my treasures, carrying them in a white plastic bag. I had cucumber, tomatoes, meatballs and bread. My mouth was watering while I was dreaming of eating. My food. Dad could starve for all I cared.

I ran to my room as fast as I could. I hoped nobody would hear me; it was important to stay quiet, _always._ After getting in there, I started wolfing down anything that I could get a hold of. I was used to eating like it was the last meal in my life. I felt breadcrumbs falling from my mouth as I tried to stuff my mouth as full as possible. Some water was trickling down my throat and on my shirt as I struggled to finish the vegetables. There was nothing to drink but I didn't care; I could drink later. I heard the front door opening and closing and the rustle of a plastic bag. I shivered. After I had nearly finished, dad stepped into the room. I dashed beside the window and prayed he would be in a good mood.

"You left something for your father, didn't you, pig?" he asked coldly and grabbed the plastic bag, checking its contents. He snorted and seemed calm.

"Good son... if only you could eat like a human, too," he said creepily and left the room with the food. I sighed; no fighting over meal today. I went to get some water. Fortunately, dad had filled the fridge a bit and there were water bottles. I snatched one and hurried back to my room where I gulped some of it down. I drank too fast and coughed a little. I was worried father would hear me. He didn't.

I staggered to the bed and fell down on it, kicking my shoes off. I felt sleepy, full and warm. I was certain dad wouldn't come hurting me right now. I yawned. _I can rest now,_ I thought and felt the darkness sweeping over me, lulling me soft asleep.

* * *

 _It was raining. Bright light, droplets and shadows. They were crawling around, making whispering noises. The voices talked about medicines, blood, weakness, the son, hatred, violence..._ dying. _Then, I saw mama. She looked so healthy, with her brown shiny hair and eyes which had a bit of red in them. I had completely red eyes; mama had called me an "albino"._

 _"Mama!" I shouted happily and ran towards her. She opened her arms and I quickly hugged her, her warmth sheltering me from the rain, her hands covering my ears and preventing the sounds._

 _"Where is everyone? Where is everything? What are those shadows?" I asked her. To my horror, she let me go and started floating away. I tried to catch her but couldn't do it. I was too slow, too small. I stretched out my hand, she also stretched out her own hand towards me. I needed to touch her. I had to feel her._

 _"Mama, wait! I'm here! Don't leave me!" I screamed desperately and moved my legs as fast as I could. She was_ smiling. _She looked almost happy, letting her hand fall to her side._ _How could she smile like that? She was leaving me all alone! I didn't want that!_

"NOO!" I yelled, awakening from the nightmare. I panted, sweating, tears starting to stream down my cheeks. I held my hand against my mouth, horrified that dad had heard me. He'd get mad.

I had to find out if mama was still there. I stood up and moved towards her room. Before entering, I heard my parents talking so I carefully opened the door a little bit to hear better.

"He's trouble. He's annoying. Where does that kid go every day? You think he's telling stuff about me? Perhaps he should stay inside where I can keep an eye on him." I looked down; dad really liked to make my life bad. Mother, however, defended me.

"He's a little child. I'm sure he only needs to get some fresh air; it'd be too cruel to keep him locked in this house. Please, darling, don't ever do such a thing to our son." Dad sighed and promised not to. I felt relieved. I closed the door nearly soundlessly and tiptoed back to my bare room. I lay down on the bed and wondered if I could sleep again. No, it didn't seem like that; I was feeling worried and sad. It was always hard to fall asleep when thinking of mama being sick.

"Maybe it was only a dream. Maybe she'll get better..." I mumbled and made a fist and opened it a couple of times. _What if... I'm going to be alone? Can I live alone? Do I_ want _to live alone?_ My thoughts made me angry and frustrated. I didn't like to think bad things. If I had known more good things, I would've thought them. I bit my knuckles. It made me feel better. Sometimes I tasted blood while doing it. Occasionally, I bit my nails so short they bled.

* * *

To my surprise, it was mama who came to me a little while later. She rarely walked anymore, telling me she was too tired to do that. I sat up immediately and she sat down beside me, coughing.

"You shouldn't move," I whispered to her and she wrapped one of her arms around me. Her touch was magic; it always made me feel happy and peaceful. I snuggled as close to her as I could, breathing her scent in. I loved her. I would've done anything to make her better.

"Yoshio. I want you to stay outside today. Please, go to that amusement park or somewhere happy like that..." mama told me in her raspy voice. I blinked and asked her if something was wrong. She nodded, looking very sad.

"I'm not feeling good today and your father's angry. You shouldn't be inside any longer than you have to. Please, sweetie, do it for me." I nodded; I would not ask anything. Mama was always right.

"Yeah, I will go out. Just go back sleeping, okay?" I begged her, earning a gentle look and a pat on my head. I closed my eyes, enjoying it.

"Sure, sure, my little prince," she laughed and stood up, leaving. I stared out of the window for a while. The dark clouds looked evil, like the shadows from my dream. _It looks like it's going to rain._ I sighed and left the house.

* * *

There was a problem. Being as young as I was, I couldn't go to the amusement park. Had mama forgotten that? I stared at the front gate where a woman had told me I couldn't come alone. I really liked that place. I wanted to go there and have fun. I wanted to be without sadness for a while. I needed to dry myself; I was wet because of the stupid rain.

"Are you lost?" Startled, I whirled around and saw a man looking at me. He had black hair. I took a couple of steps back.

"Don't worry, I'm a friend." I showed him my teeth; bad people always said something like that. The man laughed and turned away from me to talk with the woman from before.

"Is he lost?"

"I don't know, he just came here like that ten minutes ago... Should I call somewhere?"

"I could go to the park with him. I mean, there must be a good reason for a child to be so alone, right?" The woman seemed to think those words for a long time; finally, she nodded. She looked happy now. I broke into a sprint as I noticed the guy getting closer.

"Please wait! You just have to come with me inside! You don't have to be near me when we're inside of the park!" I stopped and turned around to see him waving his hands over his head. It was like he was trying to flap wings to fly. The guy looked stupid so I returned to him. _Someone who seems like an idiot can't be dangerous._ The man looked at me happily.

"Thanks for coming back. I'm Naoyuki, what's your name?" I hesitated; was it safe to tell it? Naoyuki didn't seem too scary but he had dark hair like dad. He was also a guy like dad. What if he also got angry like my father? _At least he doesn't have glasses like dad._

"It's Yoshio," I breathed out. Naoyuki scratched behind his ear and smiled widely.

"Yoshio! Let's go and have a nice day... the weather's not too great, though," he laughed, pointing at the big, bluish clouds. The rain seemed to come and go; it wasn't raining right at that moment. The man offered his hand for me but I stepped away from it, suspicious towards his kindness. _What's wrong with him?_ Naoyuki didn't seem to mind and asked for some paper towels from a woman. After getting them, he handed them to me.

"It's not good to stay wet for a long time," he said, smiling. I tore the papers from his hand and wiped myself dry as fast as I could. I blushed and tried not to show how embarrassed I felt. _I can survive on my own! Stop acting so kind!_

When we were inside, I ran away. I didn't want to be close to an unknown person any longer than I had to. After some running, I stopped, panting and glancing around. There were many people going to the rides, eating stuff and talking with each other. I knew I couldn't go to any rides because I was too little and alone. I didn't care; this place was the best. I liked it more than any other place in the world. I just wandered around, smiling and laughing a little sometimes. No lonely room, no parents, no hunger, no hurting. Life was great.

"We meet again!" I glanced at my left side to see Naoyuki looking at me happily. I grimaced and decided to move somewhere else.

"Have you been to any rides yet?" I looked at my feet, clenching my teeth so firmly that it hurt.

"Just come with me; I can pay for your ticket..." I lifted my head and stared at him.

"Why're doing this? I'm not your son." Naoyuki blinked and looked like he realised something.

"Should you be? I'm a teacher at an elementary school. I don't really think it's hard to care about children other than your own." His words were pure nonsense. If that was so, then why was my own dad like he was?

"My dad came here with me," I said to him. Naoyuki nodded, encouraging me to go on.

"He... liked me then. Or he was happier... He only hurts me normally... He says it's because mama's sick. I didn't do anything! I didn't make mama feel bad!" I cried out, unable to calm down. I trembled and hugged myself, tears falling down. I wasn't too sure if I was right about everything or if father was right about everything. Then, I felt the man placing his hand on my head, moving it slowly, lifting it up and repeating everything. Over and over again. It didn't even hurt.

"I know it. You aren't at fault here. Yoshio... your father must be having a hard time. You haven't caused it. It's not your fault. Sometimes, adults don't understand children hurt, too. It's alright to tell someone if you're hurt at home." Startled, I stepped away from him.

"Don't tell anyone! Dad would become angry!" I screamed. Naoyuki seemed to think about it for a while. Then, he held out his fist.

"I promise I won't tell anybody what you've told me here. Let's make a promise of a man about it. Touch my fist with yours, then the promise is made." I felt like I could trust him so I did what he asked. _His hand is warm. It's always warm, whether it's making a fist or petting me._

* * *

We went to get some food after that. The guy bought me a sausage and cactus ice cream. I felt like I was in heaven. It was something different than leftovers from neighbours, for sure. I drank some coke which I'd never had before. It felt so burning and bubbly in my mouth. The taste left me feel ready for anything. I almost wanted to jump around, there was suddenly so much energy flowing in me! When I took my first bouncy steps, I looked at Naoyuki. He didn't seem to mind so I just took more and more and more. Soon, I was giggling like crazy while jumping around.

We tried out some rides. The carousel was as great as ever. I also liked the house of mirrors where Naoyuki couldn't get anywhere and I had to save him. He told me his sense of direction was poor. It was nice to be useful. One of the rides had us driving cars around and bumping them against each other. I couldn't get enough and screamed like I was mad. It was so strange; to be able to show your feelings.

"You're laughing a lot, boy," Naoyuki teased me, poking at my side. I just giggled more; it had been so long since I had had that much fun! It was starting to become dark and the Ferris wheel loomed over the theme park. I stopped and stared at it, my mouth opened. Naoyuki noticed and understood immediately.

"Let's go and have a ride! It's going to be the last one because I'll have to go home. Let's make it good!" Naoyuki grinned at me and I grinned back. Man, he was awesome! Somehow, I had met all sorts of interesting persons during the last two days. _People make me happy. I want to meet more of them._

It was incredible to be in the cart as it climbed higher and higher. Everything looked tiny and I felt like it was easier to breathe. Naoyuki showed me different buildings and waters and forests I knew nothing about and told me why they were important. I wanted to remember everything so I listened very closely. I loved the lights and people looking happy. People sounded happy there and I wanted happy times to go on forever.

Eventually, it came to an end. The Ferris wheel slowed down and stopped completely, creaking a little. I stepped out, marveling at the night. The moon was glowing in the purple, nearly black, sky. People were talking in quieter voices. Children were yawning and rubbing their eyes, holding their parents' hands and staggering forwards. One girl was lifted up and carried in her father's arms. I smiled at that and knew I'd have to go to home soon, too. _Back to being a demon. Back to being a bad child. Back to getting beaten._ The thoughts made me angry and I shook my head as fast as I could.

Naoyuki asked, "It's beautiful, isn't it? Have you been out here during night?" I nodded, the disgusting thoughts disappearing. My parents and I had spent the whole day together in the amusement park. Time had passed so fast that we were seeing the moon before we knew it. I remembered holding papa's hand. He hadn't been in a bad mood. He... may have... smiled at me. _Oh. So he had a glad face._ I felt tears stinging in my eyes but forced them away. There was no way I was going to be a baby when the day had been so good. I held out my hand and Naoyuki grasped it.

* * *

When we were outside of the park, Naoyuki asked if I knew how to return home. I nodded and he smiled at me.

"Remember this: you're a good boy, Yoshio. People who say otherwise are lying. I hope to see you at my school one day." I smiled as widely as I could; it nearly hurt my cheeks. The guy deserved all of my happiness.

"You're a good guy, too. I'll go to school. I just have to get older." Naoyuki smiled and waved his goodbyes before leaving me. I returned to the front yard of my house. I looked up at the sky and saw the stars. They were white and beautiful, glinting in the distance.

"Hey, stars! I had the _best_ day today!" I yelled at them, knowing they would answer. The stars seemed to shine brighter after my shout, blinking their answers at me. It was like some Morse code. I felt safe and opened the door to go inside.

* * *

The blood was splashing on the floor. Mama was vomiting it. I felt some of it falling on me. It was disgustingly wet. I shivered when she held me on her arms. She stroked my head gently.

"Dear... Please..." I looked at her, scared, making the tiniest noise.

"You... have to live." Blood was dripping off her chin. Her beautiful eyes were hidden by her shaggy hair. She seemed to smile, like in that dreaded dream. I nodded at her; I felt like I couldn't talk. My throat hurt in a strange way. _Is she going away?_

"Don't leave," I whispered and buried my head in her chest. She seemed worse than ever. She was not getting better, was she?

"It's not something for me to decide, sweetheart. I trust that your father takes good care of you," she said to me. She sounded like she was tired of everything. Her body felt hard; she wasn't eating well. Perhaps she just couldn't eat enough. I felt tears filling my eyes and started sobbing. The sobs made my body tremble and snot started to trickle down from my nose. Mama held me tighter. There was nothing that could make me feel good anymore. Nothing.

* * *

Later, I was staring at the Ferris wheel out of my window as my father came into my room. I wasn't worried about it; he hadn't been too angry lately.

"Boy... come to your mother's room." I was worried; this was new. He never wanted me close to her. I obeyed him silently; I could never really resist him. Mama looked at us and father disappeared somewhere. _Something's not right._ Dad came back with a knife and pointed at me with it. I frowned.

"Your only choice is to die. Die and end everything. End this madness of our family." My eyes widened at those words; he had lost it. Completely. Where could I escape? Should I escape? If I ran away, what would happen to mama? If dad was this insane, wouldn't he just hurt her?

"Why did she protect you? Anytime I wanted to punish you more, she defended you. You can never replace her. She is... _kinder_ than you could ever be. You are just a monster. Without her, there's no point in either of us living. So all three of us might as well..." He raised the knife. He prepared to kill me. I could only stare the knife in horror. Its glint would be the last thing I'd ever see. _I'll die!_

Blood on the wall. Blood on father's hand. Blood droplets dripping off the knife. Blood on _mama._ She fell down on her knees and then, on the floor. I heard a thud when her body slumped, her hair falling all around her face. _She's not moving. Why isn't she moving?_

"It's your fault... If..." The knife clattered as it fell on the floor. The sound was so scary. It felt like my heart was being squeezed so hard I couldn't breathe. _Help me, somebody!_

"IF ONLY YOU'D NEVER BEEN BORN!" dad roared, crying. I started screaming. It was too much; dad didn't do anything to me. He _killed_ mama. Mama had only stood up to step between us. There had been no reason to kill her! She'd never come back because of him! _No. It's like this because of me. I was born and messed up everything._

I continued screaming and tears were streaming down my face. Father's voice was competing with mine.

"Uwaaaaaah!"

"AARGH! RAAARR!"

The white wind came back. My dad's eyes widened as it got closer to him. I couldn't stop it; I barely understood what was happening. It slashed at father, throwing his body against the wall. Blood spurted out of him. His body dropped on the floor with an audible _thud._ Blood on the wall again. Dad didn't move after that. I gulped, trying to get words out.

"So... sorry... I..." He didn't react. I knew he'd never hurt me again. _I killed him._

I fell on my knees and wanted to disappear. I wasn't a normal boy. I had killed my parents. Normal kids loved their parents. Mama was gone but I hoped she would return. Dad could stay dead. _No! I shouldn't think like that... He took care of mama. He... was kind to me... maybe... Why couldn't I die?!_

I tried not to look at the bodies as I stood up, swaying from left to right. I couldn't think of anything else but getting water and food. Surviving. I was the only one left so I had to do it. No matter what. I had been bad. I had to suffer more. Death was too easy.

After I returned from my trip of asking food, I went to my room. I sat down on the floor and swallowed things down. Into mouth. Bite. Bite. Bite. Bite. Swallow. Repeat. It was all mechanical. I was a machine. I didn't have feelings. I bit my tongue. I tasted blood. _Nice taste. Like metal. It fits a robot like me._

* * *

During the next few days, there was nothing to do. I was very lonely and tired. Sleep didn't come to me. Life didn't let me forget that I was a bad boy. The worst child ever. The pig. Nobody came to see us. No one had ever before but it felt a lot worse this time. I wanted my friends back. I wanted someone to protect me. Only hunger made me go outside to search for food. I didn't want to bother neighbours anymore. I was the worst thing in the world; they were normal people. My parents were starting to smell bad and I couldn't take it anymore. There were flies all over their bodies because the window had been open since the day of their deaths. I didn't want to shut it; it would have meant _difference._ Time would start moving forward if I closed it. I didn't like the idea; for me, there'd be no good things to come. Only loneliness. Loneliness forever.

There was not much grub to be found. I wanted to search from garbage cans but I was too short to open them. If I asked for help, people would start wondering about things. I didn't want to answer any questions. So, I searched from ditches, streets, forest and back yards of houses. I managed to find a bar of chocolate, a piece of cheese and some stuff that reminded me of dog food. At least it was in its package. Chocolate and cheese were dirty. Cheese had some moldy spots on it. I hated my "meal" but I didn't want to starve. _Suffer more. More. More. More._

* * *

When I returned, I dropped the stuff I was carrying. The bodies of my parents were gone.

"No! Where are you?!" I shouted, worried. I slipped and fell on the floor. My face was smudged with blood. It was fresh and I couldn't understand it. Had someone been hurt at our home? I ran to the place my mama had been. Dried blood was all that was left of her. I ran to the wall and touched it with my index finger. No dad. Only blood.

There were huge blood splatters on the walls of my room. My bed was gone. Flies were buzzing around. I didn't know what to do. Everything _had changed_. I wanted to give up and die. I didn't want any of the food I'd spent hours for searching. Then, I saw my papa. _He's here! He's going to save me!_

"Wait!" I screamed and started wobbling after him. I was so _lonely._ I followed him outside and to the area where trees dropped their yellow leaves on the ground. I had always liked that road. Not that time, though; only papa mattered.

"Wait!" I screamed again. I felt so tired. He didn't slow down at all. I forced myself to walk. One step. Two steps. Three steps. I stopped counting at ten steps.

I followed him for a long time. Nobody seemed to care about father but I went hiding for a moment if there were other people nearby. I felt it was the right thing to do; otherwise, they might have taken me away from papa. He always waited for me until I returned to the road and then we continued on.

* * *

We were in front of a tall building with broken glass windows. Father stepped inside and I followed him. There were some ugly statues and a red carpet. We walked through lots of floors. Up to many staircases. Not a single person was inside. Papa stopped and waited for me. There was a red, broken Ferris wheel cart on the roof. I smiled and felt calmer immediately. This place was as safe as that precious theme park.

"Thanks," I mumbled while getting inside the thing and curling up into a ball. I thought papa could wait for a while. I just needed to sleep now. My lids fluttered, then drooped. Before my eyes closed, I saw a miracle. I saw my papa smiling.

I woke up much later. The sun was setting but my dad was gone. At first, I felt desperate. Things were finally alright, he should have stayed with me! I tried to call him for a while but gave up soon enough. I knew I was going to be alone from now on. I also knew I'd survive. I'd become a person who would always be lonely. _I deserve it._


End file.
